Things to Make Sonic And Why You Shouldn't
by Captain LeBubbles
Summary: Just a little something born of a conversation I had with Captain Wolfpaw in Minnesota two summers ago. Chapter 6 up. Jack checks his pockets and finds a new toy, which leads to new surprises and a two part story. warning- naked!Jack, but nothing graphic.
1. Being the First Chapter

**Things to Make Sonic (And Why You Shouldn't)**

Written By: The Bubbles

Summary- Rose finds the Doctor's box of sonicafied items. Just a little something born of a conversation I had with Captain Wolfpaw in Minnesota last summer. Post-Boomtown, Pre Badwolf.

A/N- This story was co-written by my friend Captain Wolfpaw. But we came up with the idea in June and I only got around to writhing it two days ago. So I honestly have no idea what from the original story idea is hers and what is mine.

Disclaimer- The Bubbles doesn't own anything of the Doctor Who nature, though she does own 3&1/2 sporks. They're not sonic, though.

A/N- Yeah, I reposted ch 1. Turns out I had a slight typo or two to fix.

"Doctor!"

Rose pulled the rather large box into the main area of the TARDIS. The Doctor wandered over.

"What have you got there, Rose?" he asked curiously.

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Well, lets have a look, shall we?"

They both examined the box.

"A-ha!" He said after several seconds. "This is my sonic box!"

Rose backed up a bit. She'd had a bit of experience with the Doctor's so-called 'improvements' to random items, usually by making them sonic.

"Doctor, why in the _world_ did you make a box _sonic_?"

"Don't be silly, Rose, the box isn't sonic. Its just an ordinary box." She gave a sigh of relief. "It's the stuff in the box that's sonic."

Rose stared. "This is where you keep all your sonic stuff?"

"Yeah."

"Even… the Sonic Washer/Dryer?"

Jack, previously unnoticed in another part of the room, joined them.

"You made a washer/dryer sonic? Why in the world did you make a washer/dryer sonic?"

"Boredom?" The Doctor shrugged. "The laundry took too long to do? I don't know, its just one of those things."

"Well what happened to the washer/dryer?"

"We used it for a little while," Rose explained.

"Yeah, but after it tried to take over the galaxy…"

"Twice…" Rose added.

"We had to destroy it."

"It tried to take over the galaxy?" Jack asked, bewildered. "How'd it do that?"

"Opened a vortex in the back of people's dryers and stole all their socks."

"O…k… So what else have you got in that box?"

"Well… let's have a look!"

Rose opened the box and the Doctor reached in.

"Oh, Fantastic!" he said happily. "Lookie what _I've _got!" He pulled out what looked like a glowing blue hammer. "Fantastic!"

"It's a hammer," Jack stated simply, taking home the prize for statement of the obvious.

"Its not just any hammer, Jack, its the very first thing I ever made sonic." He grinned. "Oh, this takes me back. Or forward. I was just a little boy at the time. I had barely learned to talk."

"There was a time when you couldn't talk?" Rose asked innocently.

"Haha, very funny. Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday," he said happily. "And you know, it may well have been, I'm not sure where my childhood falls on the universe's timeline."

(Wavy flashback effects)

The young Doctor grabbed a nail and began hammering it into the wall. He was very happy. He had swiped the hammer from his father's toolbox, and now he was working on this week's future career: carpenter. That's what he thought anyway. Mostly, he was just knocking holes in the wall. He jumped when he heard his mother call up to him.

"Son! Did you take the hammer out of the toolbox?"

"Yes!"

"Are you using it to knock holes in the wall?"

"No way, of course not!"

"Then why do you need it?"

"Uhh…"He fell silent as he thought. Suddenly his already-brilliant mind hit on a brilliant idea. "I'm making it sonic as a present for Dad!"

"Ah. I see. So if I come up there, I won't find a dozen holes in the wall?"

"No," he called, then added, "But I'd rather you didn't come up, if its all the same to you."

"And why not?"

He thought about it, and his brilliant four-year-old mind (Gallifreyan equivalent of four, anyway) once again came up with a plan. He quickly stripped down to his knickers.

"Because I'm naked!"

There was a startled silence, then, "Ok. I'll stay down here."

(End flashback)

"Dad loved the hammer. He gave it back to me right before we left to fight in the Time War. I- " He stopped when he realized that they were laughing at him.

"You mind not laughing at me?" he asked, a bit hurt. "My dad loved that hammer."

"I'm sorry, Doctor," Rose choked out, "But really, naked? Your mum changed your diapers, why would she have a problem seeing you naked?"

They started laughing again.

"Oi, stop it!"

"Well, lets see what else is in here then." Rose reached into the box. "Oh, its… a joy buzzer?"

"I remember that one," Jack said, taking it from her. "You nearly killed me with that one."

"I did not."

"Yeah ya did!"

"When was this?" Rose asked.

"Ah…" the Doctor paused as he thought back. "It was when we were dropping off Margerate at the hatchery on Raxacoricofallapatorius."

"While you were at the market doing girly things, The Doctor and I were here doing manly things like effecting repairs on the TARDIS."

"No we weren't, Jack, don't tell her that," the Doctor corrected. "I was sonic-afying the joy buzzer Rickey gave me, and you were looking at girly magazines."

"I wasn't!"

"Yeah you were."

"Don't listen to him Rose, I wasn't."

The Doctor leaned over to Rose and whispered, "He was."

(Flashback)

The Doctor looked up from sonicafying his joy buzzer. Jack was busy looking at the centerpiece of some magazine.

"Oh, come on Jack, how can you read that?"

"Who said I'm reading it?"

"That's disgusting."

"Don't judge me Doctor. Besides, Ms. Raxacoricofallapatorius is excellent eyecandy. She's built like-"

"The result of an unholy marriage between alien frog and mutant bug?"

"For a Raxacoricofallapatorian, she's very attractive."

"That a fact?"

The Doctor attached the sonic joy buzzer to his hand and hid it behind his back. He walked over to Jack.

"Captain, I want to congratulate you. I've been travelling through time and space for 900 years, and you have the most flexible attractions I've ever seen." He stuck out his hand. Jack looked at him curiously, then accepted.

"Gaaaaaaaaah!" Jack let go of the Doctor's hand as 9,012 volts of electricity surged through his body. "What in the name of- What was that?"

"Ha- ha!" He held up the hand with the joy buzzer in it. "Gotcha good with that one!"

"You little-!" He grabbed the buzzer from the Doctor and attached it to his own hand. "You could have killed me. Lets see how you like it." He grabbed the Doctor's hand, and was once again electrocuted. "How did-?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Jack, I'm brilliant?"

(End flashback)

"Well that was interesting," Rose said. She reached into the box again. "A spork? What does the sonic spork do?"

"It glows."

"Really?" She pushed the button on the handle. The sonic spork glowed sonic blue. "Huh, would you look at that?"

"My turn!" Jack exclaimed happily. He reached in. "O- ho! What have we _here_? It's a blender..! And its sonic..!" He turned to the Doctor. "Why?"

"He made it as a present for my mum. Sort of a 'sorry I took your kid away for a year without calling or anything and then nearly killed her when I was saving the planet, here, have a blender, but not just any blender, its _sonic_.'"

"So what happened?"

"She threw it at his head."

"So she didn't like it?"

(Flashback)

Rose stared in surprise as the door opened and the Doctor walked in. He had his hands behind his back and was looking rather sheepish.

"I thought you didn't want tea?"

"Not here for tea. Just wanted to give your mom a present. Sort of a 'sorry' so we can start things over on the right foot."

"Oh. I see. So what is it?"

"You'll see. Oi!" he called into the kitchen. "Jackie! Come in here; I brought you a present!"

"Ooooh, a present, really?" Jackie took it from him happily. "What is it?"

"Open it. Then I won't have to tell you."

"Oh, all right." She took it from him and tore open the box. "Oh, its… a blender. It's a glowing blue… blender…How nice…"

"Doctor, why in the world did you give my mother a blender as a gift?"

"Never mind that, why is it blue… and glowing?"

"Because its sonic," the Doctor answered, unable to contain his excitement. "Isn't that neat?"

"Yeah, its… What does it do?"

"Well, it blends… and mixes… and frappes, that's always fun, and it crushes, and, and…and glows!, can't forget that."

"Well, why don't I make us all smoothies then… with my new…sonic… blender?"

"Banana smoothies? Please say they'll be banana smoothies."

"Well, I guess. Is it terribly important?"

"Yeah, terribly important."

Rose waited till her mother was in the kitchen before giving the Doctor a look.

"Why is it so terribly important that it be a banana smoothie?"

"Banana's are a great source of potassium."

They sat in silence for several minutes before a scream emerged from the kitchen. They both darted into the kitchen to find Jackie staring open-mouthed at the blender, banana smoothie plastered all over her face, the sink, the cabinets, the walls, the floors, and a leprechaun sitting annoyed in the corner. (1) He stared for several seconds before he could not contain the laughter bubbling up inside of him.

Two minutes later, he was standing outside the apartment with a bewildered look on his face. Suddenly the door opened again. He turned around, expecting an apology. Instead, he got a blender that narrowly missed his head.

(End flashback)

"Doctor, let me ask you a question," Jack said as the flashback ended. "Does everything you, uh, sonicafy turn out so dangerous?"

"Not everything," he replied. "The gerbils were… no, scratch that, they tried to take over New Zealand in the year 4130."

"You're joking," Rose said in disbelief.

"No, they really did try to take over New Zealand," the Doctor answered in

"You made sonic gerbils?" Jack cut in.

"Yep. Learned my lesson with them, though."

"What, don't genetically alter the DNA of gerbils to make them even more destructive than they already are?"(2)

"No, never drop into the middle of New Zealand and start shouting 'The gerbils are coming."

"Ok, lets see what's next!" Rose said loudly, hoping to distract them. The Doctor batted her hand away from the box.

"Its my turn, Rose. You can wait."

"All right, all right. Ya big baby."

(End Chapter)

I have an entire list of things to make sonic, but I am always open to suggestions.

The leprechaun will be a recurring factor in all of my Doctor Who fanfics.

I've somehow gotten it into my head that Jack has a phobia about gerbils.


	2. Being the Second Chapter

**Things To Make Sonic (And Why You Shouldn't) **

**Chapter 2**

Written by The Bubbles 

A/N- Ch1 was the longest chapter I've ever written for a chapter story that I actually bothered to post. It surprised me.

Disclaimer- Doctor Who and all related titles are the subsequent property of the people lucky enough to own them. I.e., not me. And I never would have thought of this story without the help of Captain Wolfpaw. Here's to you, Wolfy!

Anyone wanna play spot the irony? It won't be hard if you know your Doctors.

xxxxxxxxxx

(Begin Chapter)

"Ok, lets see what's next!" Rose said loudly, hoping to distract them. The Doctor batted her hand away from the box.

"Its my turn, Rose. You can wait."

"All right, all right. Ya big baby."

"Thank you."

He reached into the box and grabbed the first thing he laid his hand on. He pulled it out and looked at it. Suddenly he screamed and dropped it back into the box.

"Doctor, was that-?" Rose asked, horror plastered on her face.

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. It was." He looked up dramatically. "The sonic tape measurer."

"I never thought I'd see that again," Jack said slowly. "It still haunts my dreams sometimes."

0000000000

(Flashback)

A small child had made it onto the TARDIS. No one was really sure how, or why, or when, but he had. He had also found the sonic tape measurer that the Doctor had just finished making.

Have you ever been snapped by a tape measurer? If you haven't, you are living the life. That said…

"I'll get you for that, you little brat!" Jack chased the grinning child through the TARDIS hallways. "Just wait'll your mother hears about this!"

The boy ran into the console room, right into the Doctor's awaiting arms. He pinned the kid's arms to his side.

"All right, you little stowaway," he said quietly. "I agreed not to throw you in the brig, but I might just change my mind if you don't stop terrorizing my crew. Agreed?"

"Yes…" the little monster, I mean, active young boy, hung his head in shame.

And he almost fooled them.

"Oh, no you don't, Twerp. Hand it over." Jack held out his hand for the small irritant's weapon.

"Aww…." He handed the casing to Jack.

"Good." Jack squatted to eye level with the little terror. "Now, I'm going to put _this_ away. Somewhere high, so you can't reach it."

He took off, annoyed, in the direction of his room.

"Hold on, Jack, don't-!"

The Doctor wasn't able to warn Jack before the pest let go of the end of the tape measurer, which he had still been holding. Jack yelped as it slammed into his hand, rather painfully, actually. The kid giggled and grabbed the tape measurer and ran off.

"Little brat!" Jack was about to give chase when the Doctor stopped him.

"Ignore him, Jack," he instructed. "C'mere and give me a hand with this. I need to land right after he left so his parents don't have my head for kidnapping."

Jack scowled, but obeyed. "Ya know, Doctor, I've been thing about that. What if his parents put him up to this? He's a right little monster, that one. If I were his folks, I'd send him off with the first time traveler I could find."

"Yeah, but parents don't do that to their kids, no matter how annoying they are."

"Like you're the big expert."

"You ever had kids?"

"None that I know of. And I suppose you have?"

"Actually, yeah. And a granddaughter, to."

"Oh."

There was then an awkward silence, followed by a scream of pain and anger from Rose's room. She stormed in, holding up the small child by the back of his shirt. He was kicking and struggling to get free.

"We're taking him home, now," Rose said irritably.

"Working on it." The Doctor pushed a button. "Aha, there we go. Just a few seconds after we left." He smiled at her happily.

They opened the door and peered outside.

"Oh good. My aim's better than it is when I bring you home. All right, Rose, hand over the twerp."

"With a will!" She handed him the midget.

"Right then, squirt, off you go!" He chucked the kid out and closed the door. "Hold on." He opened the door again. "Gimme back the sonic tape measurer! OW!" The tape measurer bounced off of his head and landed on the floor of the TARDIS. "Little monster."

(End Flashback)

0000000000

"Y'know," Jack said, "come to think of it, the tape measurer wasn't scary, it was the kid."

"Well, I still don't want it anywhere near me," The Doctor shuddered. "Well, Rose, I think it's your turn to reach into the box."

"All right, let's see…" She reached in and made a great show of taking her time to find just the right thing. "Ah… what is… this?" She pulled out what appeared to be a sonic remote control.

It appeared to be a sonic remote control because it was, in fact, a sonic remote control.

"That would be my sonic remote," the Doctor said.

"Doctor, why in the world did you make a sonic remote?" Jack asked.

"Well, there's a very good explanation for that."

"Which is..?"

"Well isn't it obvious?"

Blank stares all around.

"Well, it was before Gallifrey was destroyed that I made it. See, I would be away from home all the time, and I didn't want to miss my favorite soap opera's. So I programmed the remote to work over time and space."

"You zapped it like you did my phone, right?" Rose asked.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"You and your gadgets…" Jack pulled out a pair of glasses. "Sonic glasses. Right."

He put them on and put them on setting one. They glowed and whirred in much the manner of other sonic items. He grinned.

"Well heyheyhey!" He said. "Am I seeing double, Doc, or do you have two hearts beating in there? Not the only thing you have two of, I see."

"Do you mind not looking into my body? Makes me a bit uncomfortable, it does. No wonder Romana didn't like them."

"Doctor, you're a fox! I had no idea, c'mon, tell!"

"All right…"

00000000000

(Flashback)

"Well, that's my sonic gerbils defeated. What to make sonic next?" The Doctor turned to the tin dog on the floor next to the console f his TARDIS. "Any ideas, K-9?"

"Affirmative, Master. Sonic glasses would be quite useful."

"Sonic glasses?" He pondered the idea for a minute. "Quite useful indeed, let's get to it, shall we?"

Several hours later, and they were through. Romana wondered in, yawning.

"Enjoy your nap, Romana?"

"Yes, very much. What have you two been doing in here?"

"Making sonic glasses."

"Yes, of course, I must have been a fool to think you would have learned your lesson after the gerbils."

"I did learn my lesson. No more sonic animals."

Romana sighed. Nope, he hadn't learned and he probably never would. She watched as he put on the glasses and switched them on. They looked harmless enough, at any rate.

"Really, Romana, a tattoo? That's a bit 20th century Earth, isn't it? When did you get it, anyway?"

Her jaw dropped. She kept that tattoo in a rather private place (lower back, in case you're wondering) and he had just looked through not only her clothes but also her body to see it. She walked over to him so that she was standing barely an inch from him.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Roma- Ow! What was- Why did you slap me?"

"You know good and well why! Now get rid of them." She turned and stormed out.

"You never answered my question!" He called after her. He turned to K-9. "I wonder what's wrong with her?"

0000000000

"Ouch!" Jack reached over and patted the Doctor sympathetically before taking off the glasses.

"Wait, I thought you told me you'd never been slapped before?"

"Not by someone's mother, no. Far as I know, Romana was childless."

"You're so gay, you know that?"

"Funny, that's not what Romana said…" He reached into the box. "Ah. Sonic hair dyer."

This statement was greeted by a blank stare from both companions. It was Jack who finally spoke.

"Doctor, why do you have a hair dryer? You don't have hair, not enough for a hairdryer, that is."

He gave him a look that said something like 'do not defy my logic, puny human type thing, or I'll chuck you out into the time vortex next chance I get.' What he _actually_ said was, "I had hair once. Lot's of hair. Big, _big_ hair. Curly hair. Frizzy hair. The biggest, curliest, _frizziest_ hair of anyone you've ever seen."

"So what happened?" Rose asked.

"Whaddya think happened?" He waved the hair dryer around. "Actually, the hair dryer never worked." He turned to Rose. "Your turn, I think?"

"I don't know if I want to stick my hand in that box again, I might pull out a sonic squirrel."

"No squirrels. But if you want take your turn then that means Jack will."

"All right, let's see…" He dug around for several minutes before pulling out a very, very, _very_ large gun that was several times larger than the box he'd just pulled it out of. He stared.

"All right, Doc, I've got two questions for you. One, I thought you said that this was a normal cardboard box, and two, what happened to not carrying weapons?"

"In answer to your questions, Jack, that is a normal _Gallifreyan_ cardboard box, and two, I may be pacifist, but that doesn't mean I don't like to be prepared in the instance that sonic gerbils try to take over New Zealand."

"That's so demented."

0000000000

The Doctor landed the TARDIS expertly in his haste.

"Come along, Romana. We've got to stop those gerbils before they take down the whole of New Zealand!"

"Really, Doctor," Romana complained. "Do we have to? Couldn't we just let Tom and Mary tire themselves out destroying New Zealand and then grab them then?"

"As much as I'd love to, that sort of thing is frowned upon. So come on!"

He stepped out of the TARDIS after her, carrying a very large and very sonic looking gun."

"Will it work?"

"It better."

Twenty minutes later, Romana was sitting against the TARDIS laughing, the Doctor leaning against it next to her. He was looking over the disarray of New Zealand with delight. In truth, it had taken only a few minutes to dispatch the gerbils, but the Doctor had had so much fun blasting them that he had taken off, blasting everything in sight, with Romana close on his heels, trying to stop him. Not trying hard, but such was the case. He'd finally stopped when his batteries died.

"Doctor," Romana said breathlessly, "You'll be putting that into the box when we get back inside."

"You're right of course, Romana. It was fun while it lasted, but all good things. Yep."

They laughed and slipped into the TARDIS.

(No gerbils were harmed in the making of this flashback. Several New Zealanders were badly maimed, but they were wearing red, so it was their own fault.)

0000000000

"You destroyed New Zealand." It was a statement; Jack was merely looking for clarification

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Don't know really. But at least now you know why no one's ever given me a weapon."

"Huh. I guess."

The Doctor grinned.

"Well, that's the last of my sonic stuff. You two wanna go have some fun now?"

"Oh, you bet! Where we off to?" Rose weedled.

"You'll see. Come on then, time to go."

He closed up the box and followed the two headed out the door. Reminiscing was fun, but real adventures were funner.

XooXXXooX

A/N- Righto, that's done. I hope ya'll like it; I worked really hard on it.(Is lying through her teeth.) Kudos to Wolfy, for helping me on the story in the first place, and to the following people for suggesting some of the devices mentioned in this chapter: Doctored, for the sonic glasses, The Invisible Penguin, for the squirrels, and montypython203 for the sonic hat, even though I didn't use it. (Sorry.)

A/N 2- No offense to any New Zealanders or fans of New Zealand.

A/N 3- I have an interesting request for my reviewers. I need someone to teach me about British slang (like French fries being chips and such). This is so I can write accurate dialect in my Doctor Who fics, and so I can confuse the people I call my peers. So, any of my reviewers from the UK feel like it? I've managed to pick up a bit, but I get the distinct impression that it's not much. If you think you're up for it, just send me a message.

Thanks in advance,

The Bubbles


	3. Being the Last Chapter

Things to Make Sonic (And Why You Shouldn't)

By: The Bubbles

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. But once I take over the universe, I will! And I can make David and Chris into my little man-slaves.

Oops… did I say that out loud?

A/N- I felt so bad for not using the sonic hat that motypython203 suggested, especially since it was such a good idea, that as soon as I posted chapter 2 I started typing chapter 3.

XooXXXooX

Jack wandered into the wardrobe in search of clean clothes. His current clothes were covered in alien slime, so he needed some new ones. His clothes didn't take long to change, and then he began looking around. In one of the drawers, he found several hatboxes. He amused himself for about ten minutes trying them on when he found one that glowed. Blue. He looked at it.

All common sense told him not to. But if Jack listened to common sense, then he wouldn't be the suave, charming ladies'/men's/random inanimate object's man he was today.

So he put it on.

XXOXX

"Gyahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Doctor looked up lazily from tying his shoes as a flaming hat flew out of the wardrobe into the hallway.

"Don't put on the glowing blue hat!" he called.

Jack stormed out into the hallway angrily. He was glaring and looking very singed. One of his eyebrows was still on fire.

"You think it would have been possible for you to warn me _before_ I put the hat on?"

"You should have known better than to put it on in the first place."

"Well how was I supposed to know it was sonic? And why did you make a hat sonic?"

"To keep my head warm," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Didn't work though. Has a nasty habit of bursting into flame."

"Oh, ya don't _say_."

"Doctor," Rose said from the couch, "why do you make things sonic all the time?"

"Well, everyone needs a hobby, don't they?"

"I thought time travel was your hobby."

"No, Time Travel is my job. Making things sonic, now _that's_ a hobby."

"Doctor, there's something I've been meaning to ask you for a while now."

"What?"

"Where did all those wavy sound effects come from?"

"The sonic speakerbox up in the corner."

He pointed up into the corner where a glowing blue speakerbox sat previously unnoticed.

"Ah," they both said.

"Well, time to test out these new shoes of mine. They're supposed to upgrade the power of the wearer's kicks tenfold!"

He got up and ran to the door of the TARDIS, grinning like a little schoolgirl. As he ran out, they noticed that his shoes were glowing blue.

Jack turned to Rose.

"I got a _baaaad_ feeling about this."

XooXXXooX

A/N- This is actually the last chapter. I know a lot of you though that the last chapter was the end, but you thought wrong.

And no one played Spot the Irony! C'mon people! It's not that hard, not if you know your Doctors, anyway.

Thanks to horsefly for the sonic shoes and montypython203 for the sonic hat. Also thanks to all you lovelies who helped me with the British slang. I'm working on a story about it now.

There seemed to be confusion as to which Romana I was using. Not that it really affects the stories, but I was using the first one.


	4. Being the Chapter After the Last One

Things to Make Sonic and Why You Shouldn't

Chapter 4

By: The Bubbles

Disclaimer- I don't own Doctor Who. How sad is that? (sigh) Oh well. Time to live my dreams on I keep ending this but I keep coming up with more. So as far as anyone is concerned, every chapter is the end but there may be another chapter coming. I will let you know when I'm finished with it for good though.

XooXXXooX

Jack peered out the TARDIS door. Good, the coast was clear. He slipped out and ran down the road and around the corner. Once he was several blocks away, he ducked into as conveniently placed alley.

One might not usually think of Jack- no, _Captain Jack Harkness_- as the sneaky type. Conniving, manipulative, enigmatic, and a bit egotistical, yes. Sneaky, no.

So why was he sneaking around? It was all very simple. He had stolen the Doctor's sonic glasses. He hadn't meant to, but they were sitting there…buried in their box…tempting him.

"_Take us, Jack!"_ They had seemed to say. _"We're waiting for you! The Doctor won't mind, and he never uses us. Take us, Jack!"_

How could he refuse?

So he'd taken them, and now he was about to go into the nearest pub and give them a field test. He put them on, flipped the switch, and went in.

He realized right off that something was wrong when he walked in and everything was all blue and red and orange. He took them off and fiddled with the settings controls.

"Ah," he said. "Setting 7 is heat detection. Clever. Now let's see what Setting 2 is…" He put the glasses back on and looked around the room.

Now all he could see were very bold red and black lines. He moved his head and his vision was swamped in dark gray and vivid blue cross-stitching. Another look and all he could see were tannish hexagons. He took the glasses off. The close-up was giving him a headache.

"I wonder why the Doctor never uses these? They're awesome. So what does setting number two do?"

He changed the setting and once again donned the glasses. Nothing changed in his vision this time.

"Huh. Weird." He strolled over to the nearest pretty girl and sat down next to her. "Hi. I'm Jack. What's your name?"

She looked him over, taking him in.

"I'm Nicola. It's nice to meet you Jack. I love the glasses. They're very attractive."

"Really?"

"Yes. Very… geek chic."

XooXXXooX

A/N- More spot the irony! There are two this week… month… episode… eh, whatever. Congratulations to screaminheathen69 for spotting the irony in the last chapter. Yes, the irony was the gerbils Tom and Mary, named after the actors playing the Doctor 4 and Romana 1.


	5. Being the Newest Chapter in a While

**Things to Make Sonic and Why You Shouldn't**

**Chapter 4**

**By: The Bubbles**

**Disclaimer: The Doctor and his growing list of ilk are all the property of BBC and as much as I wish I owned at least one of them, I don't. I can, however, take solace in the fact that much as she wishes she did, Tocxica doesn't own Jack, either.**

**A/N: We've all seen the advert for the sonic scrubber, right? Now how is the Doctor going to pass up something like that? Also, mild spoilers for TW series two.**

**(o.o.o)**

"Donnnnnnaaaaa…" The Doctor tried not to sound pathetic, but he was kind of bored waiting on Donna to recover from that bout of Thalerian Flu she'd picked up on Thala LXXVIII. He was so bored that he was seriously contemplating visiting Jack, just to see if Torchwood had any aliens he could help chase off or dangerous situations he make worse.

"Oi, stuff it," she said irritably. And stuffily. Thalerian flu can do weird things to your voice. "I wouldn't be sick if you hadn't took me to a planet during its annual flu season."

"Well sorry!" He tried to sound sympathetic, but it came out as annoyed. "It's only that most people get Thalerian Flu during childhood and I didn't even think about it."

"Were you a child when you got it?"

"Oh, no way, I was on my fourth regeneration by then. When we were kids my mum was so germophobic she…" he stopped, because even after all this time it hurt to talk about his mother. He switched tactics. "What are you doing, then?"

"Watching a bit of tellie." He had loaned her the Sonic remote so she could entertain herself when he got sick of her complaining. "Why don't you watch with me? Take a break from chasing aliens."

"All right then." He made himself comfortable at the end of her bed and stared at the television.

He watched for about three minutes before the commercial came on. The Sonic Scrubber. Now _that_ sounded like fun! He pulled out Martha's phone and called the number on the screen, intent on ordering one then and there.

**(o.o.o)**

"Jack, you've got a package."

Ianto set the package down on the desk and waited. When he got no response from Jack, he shrugged and walked out.

Once Ianto was gone, Jack pulled out a sonic box opener- a parting gift from the Doctor last time they'd seen each other- and opened the box. Inside was a sonic scrubber (as seen on tv), which confused him no end.

"Why in the world did I get a sonic…? Oh. Right. Of course."

**(o.o.o)**

Jack was waiting outside the Millennium Centre when the TARDIS appeared and the Doctor stepped out with a redheaded woman he vaguely recognized from an investigation a few Christmases ago.

He decided to play it cool for a while and greeted the Doctor in his usual fashion.

The Doctor, in his usual fashion, made a great show of sputtering and rubbing his mouth.

"Jack! Cut that out! Why do you do that? It's the same thing, every single time I come by."

"You know you enjoy it," Jack said with a wink. He turned to Donna. "And who might this lovely and charming young lady be?"

"I might be Donna Noble."

"Well it's nice to meet you, Donna." He kissed her hand. "Captain Jack Harkness, at your service."

The Doctor gave him a warning look. "Stop it…"

Jack pouted. "I can't even say a simple hello anymore?"

"There are no simple hello's with you, Jack. As far as you're concerned, a snog's as good as a handshake."

He slipped an arm through Donna's and led her in the direction of the hub. "Ignore him, he's just jealous."

"I am not jealous; I just don't want you to go trying to shag everyone I introduce you to. Gives me a bad name."

Jack threw his arm around the Doctor's shoulders. "You know you love me, Doc, otherwise you wouldn't keep coming back." He guided them both inside. "So tell me, what brings you around? I mean aside from a burning desire to see this pretty face again?"

**(o.o.o)**

Donna smacked her lips and set down the mug she had been drinking out of. "Best coffee ever, Ianto, was it?"

They were sitting around the hub drinking coffee. Thankfully, Ianto was the only one at work that day, Gwen being off on a date with Rhys and Tosh and Owen being currently deceased.

Ianto leaned over to refill her mug. Jack beamed. "Ianto makes the best coffee this side of the Karzaxx Nebula," he bragged. "Plus, when I got him he was a package deal. He came with a pterodactyl."

He nodded toward the sleeping pterodactyl perched near the ceiling. The Doctor looked politely impressed.

"So," Ianto said casually, refilling Jack's glass, "Who makes the best coffee on the other side of the Karzaxx Nebula?"

"They don't drink coffee on the other side of the Karzaxx Nebula," Jack answered. "And by the way, Doctor, the Sonic Scrubber isn't actually sonic."

If he was embarrassed, he did a good job hiding it.

"Really? Ah, well, I'll soon fix that. So it's already come in, has it?"

"Yeah, just this morning." He fished it out of his pocket and laid it on the table. "By the way, you owe Ianto here some money; he paid for it out of his own pocket."

"I was already supposed to be here when it arrived," the Doctor said absently. He'd already put on his glasses and was examining the sonic scrubber. "Oh, this'll be easy!"

He pulled out the sonic screwdriver and, while they all looked on, he began doing all sorts of things that only Jack understood.

"Oh, that's right, I almost forgot!" He got up and disappeared into one of the back rooms, only to return a few minutes later carrying a box with tiny holes in it. Sounds were coming out of it. "I believe these belong to you."

Donna opened up the box to look, only to close it back up again in shock.

"There're a couple of glowing blue gerbils in there!"

"Really?" The Doctor temporarily abandoned his attempts to sonicafy the sonic scrubber (which were not going so well after all) and peered into the box as well. "There you two are; I had wondered where you got off to! Where did you find them?"

"They fell through the rift a few weeks ago and I've had Ianto taking care of them."

"He's gerbil-phobic," the Doctor whispered to Donna by way of explanation.

**(o.o.o)**

(Later)

Donna waved as she entered the TARDIS. "By Jack! Thanks for the coffee, Ianto!"

"See you Donna. Keep an eye on the Doctor for me, would you?" He grabbed the Doctor's arm and held him back. "Listen, if you're going to have your mail delivered here to Torchwood, I expect something in return."

"What do you want?" Jack opened his mouth to answer, so the Doctor added, "Except that."

Jack sighed. "Fine. Just… zap my phone like you did Martha's."

"Oh sure, that's easy." He took the mobile and in a matter of seconds returned it, newly collaborated for calling him anywhere, anywhen he happened to be. "There you go. Just don't abuse the privilege."

"Oh, you know me, Doc, only for emergencies and drinks." He grabbed his face on either side to kiss him goodbye, then laughed when he started sputtering. "Never gets old. But you're warming up to me."

**(o.o.o)**

"Don't say a word," he said to Donna, once he was back on the TARDIS. "Just put in a course for Karzaxx V; the TARDIS'll tell you where it is."

"Where are you off too, then?"

He grabbed the gerbil cage on his way out. "I'm going to find a home for these two, then I'm going to go find some mouthwash and my sonic toothbrush and get rid of all this Jack-spit."

**(o.o.o)**

**A/N- Lot's of sonicness in this chapter, because in the time I've been away from this story I've thought of a whole bunch of sonic stuff that I couldn't really think of full stories for. Also, the return of the sonic gerbils and the sonic remote!**

**Did you enjoy Jack's sonic letter opener? I did. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I think I'll write a chapter for it. Might be a while, though.**


	6. Being the First of a Two Parter

**Things to Make Sonic and Why You Shouldn't**

**Chapter 6**

**By: The Bubbles**

**Disclaimer: Why?! Why must you torment me so? Is it not bad enough that I don't own the Doctor, but why must I also be forced to acknowledge it at every turn?**

**A/N- Two days after saying goodbye to the Doctor and Martha, Jack finally cleans out his pockets and finds himself a new toy.**

**(o.o.o)**

Jack had been back in Cardiff for two days now, but he wasn't quite ready to go back to his team. It wasn't that he was having second thoughts about staying. He was very glad that he had.

No, it was more to the point that what with all the escaping, the running, the poor living conditions, and, oh yes, the _dying _of the year that wasn't, he hadn't had any opportunities to change his clothes.

In a word, he stunk.

Unfortunately for Jack, all of his clothes and the only private washer he had access to were both inside the hub, and he didn't want to go in smelling like death warmed over. He could have gone to a Laundromat, but he didn't have a change of clothes and for some reason the people of Cardiff didn't like it when he ran around in the buff.

Eventually, he found a Laundromat near a nudist colony, and didn't stop to ask questions about it because he figured that the Powers-That-Be were smiling down on him once more. The only other occupant was a large hairy man that looked like the before version of someone on that show "You Are What You Eat." He was sitting in a corner reading a magazine, completely ignoring Jack and so Jack ignored him.

He put his jacket in last, because he had to clean out the pockets, and it was among this random assortment of odds and ends and thingamajigs and doodads that he found a long velvet box and a letter addressed to him in the Doctor's handwriting.

He opened the letter first and read it.

_Dear Jack,_

_The object in that box is a Sonic Letter Opener. You're probably asking yourself a number of questions, including "Why make a letter opener sonic?" and "Why slip it into your pocket instead of just giving it to you in person?" Well, to answer your first question, shut up. To answer the second one, because I was fairly sure you were going to make fun of me and I felt that I'd rather not like that. Anyway, there's about fifty settings but I won't tell you what they do because where's the fun in that? See you next time I'm in Cardiff,_

_Platonically yours,_

_The Doctor_

Jack laughed and tucked the letter back into the envelope before taking the sonic letter opener out of the box. It looked like it had once been a regular letter opener, all silver and pointy, but dials and buttons had been added to it.

Oh yes, and it was glowing. Blue, in much the manner of the many other sonic items he had encountered.

Jack occupied himself by fiddling with the dials until he'd found a setting that looked promising and activated the device. It set off all the washers and driers not already in use. Jack suppressed a grin. Trust the Doctor to include such a useless setting.

Actually, considering how useless it seemed, he would probably find a use for it very, very soon. He was right, of course, but more on that later.

He amused himself while waiting on his clothes to finish washing by learning about the different settings of the sonic letter opener. It was in this way, just as the load was beginning the spin cycle, that he pushed a button that caused a glowing blue seam to open up on the fat nudist's head. It was in this way, while playing with a gift from the Doctor, that Jack learned there was a Slitheen hiding out in Cardiff.

**(o.o.o)**

**A/N- Oh. Would you look at that? A plot.**

**Tocxica- How did that happen?**

**Bubbles- I have **_**no**_** idea. But it may be a little while before the stunning conclusion, because while I have an idea of what's going to happen, I haven't quite worked out how. **

**Next Chapter, a naked Jack fights off a Slitheen with only a sonic letter opener and a washing machine at his disposal. And did I mention he's naked?**


End file.
